WASHINGTON, D.C. — Today, President Trump paused for a moment in the Oval Office to honor a man he called a “modern American legend,” Playboy Magazine founder Hugh Hefner, who passed away this week at the age of 91. Hefner’s magazine, launched in 1953, was often the subject of mixed praise and criticism. Some say it helped to further objectify women as simple sex objects, while others point to the editorial content and Hefner’s own progressive political ideology as being the magazine’s legacy. In his moment of memorializing Hefner, Trump credited the publishing magnate for for “inspiring [him] to grab every puss [he] could” before he died.
“I may not have agreed with Hef’s politics,” Trump said, “because anyone who devotes so much time and money helping the cause of racial equality must have some kind of ulterior motive, but three is no doubt in my mind that he inspired me to grab every puss I could before I drew my last shrieking, wheezing, nacho cheese spluttered breath on this earth.”
In a fifteen minute, rambling, often incoherent eulogy, Trump recounted the “many, many times” he “could have banged lots of the women at the Playboy Mansion” when he’d attend parties there in the 1980’s and 1990’s. Trump said that he and Hefner were “kindred spirits in the admiration of naked chicks.” The president indicated that he looked up to Hefner’s ability to “get older and older while his sex partners didn’t.”
“I don’t know if he had some kind of serum, or some kind of drug he’d give his lady friends,” Trump mused, “but one way or the other, Hef would get older and older while his sex partner’s didn’t. I admire that, and it’s why I’ve always had a Dump ‘Em Before 45 rule in my book.”
As much as Trump had mostly glowing, complimentary words about Hefner, the subject of Playboy did make him uncomfortable for a moment.
“I will be honest though,” Mr. Trump said, fumbling around for the box of doughnuts on his desk that was least empty, “when I think of Hef, I do have one slight, shall we call it a twinge, of regret. I was never able to get him to put my lovely First Lady in the pages of his magazine.”
Kellyanne Conway, hearing Trump’s statement, came over to him.
“Mr. President,” Conway began.
Trump cut her off.
“Kellyanne, what have I said about how you are to address me,” Trump asked.
“Oh, right, sorry,” Conway said, “Mr. God Emperor President With Bigly Hands, Hef may be dead, but his magazine is still around. You want me to see if I can get your First Lady in an interview?
Trump’s eyes lit up. Those in the room with him would later say he was visibly excited. He corrected Conway though.
“Pictorial, not an interview,” Trump said.
Conway nodded her head.
“Of course sir,” Ms. Conway told the president, “I will go and call Playboy right away and set up a pictorial with Melania.”
Trump nearly leaped over the Resolute Desk to stop Conway. He got in front of her as she attempted to leave the Oval Office. He was frantic.
“NO! Not Melania,” Trump bellowed, “IVANKA! My First Lady, not my Almost First But Technically More Like Third Lady! Jesus Christ, Kellyanne, get it together.”
Conway stood there a long time, just breathing. She could be heard counting to ten under her breath. She opened here eyes and looked at President Trump.
“Yes, Mr. President, my mistake,” Conway said, “I’ll see about getting a naked picture spread of your daughter put into a magazine for you and the whole world to see.”
“Fuck yeah,” Trump exclaimed, jumping in the air, “That’s what I call presidentifying and shit!”